Just a Waste of Space
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal is upset, but Ethan doesn't know what to say. Set after The Golden Hours.
1. Chapter 1

_I've written this five or six times in at least three different venues and I still hate it. I loved the last episode and really wanted to write something, but it's not working. I hope Chapter 1 is better than I think it is._

* * *

Ethan didn't know what to do. He could tell Cal was close to breaking down. He was blinking rapidly and his tense shoulders lifted and fell with every unsteady breath. Ethan wanted to say something; anything, but his mind was blank and all he could think of was to give his brother a hug.

But he couldn't. They were sitting in the middle of the pub with their colleagues all around them. A display of affection would doubtless raise comment and would more than likely shatter the last remnants of Cal's self-control.

Ethan had expected Cal not to be at his best. That was the main reason why he'd deviated from his usual course of avoiding the pub. Cal had had a difficult day. Helping a cancer patient with his charity fundraising would have brought back many sad memories for Cal.

But Ethan hadn't expected Cal to be doubting himself, his career, his life choices; his whole existence.

Cal put his half-finished drink down on the bar and spoke without looking at Ethan. His voice was soft and trembly and Ethan could only just hear him. "I'm going to head off home. I'm not feeling too great."

Of all the surprising things Cal had said in the last few minutes, perhaps this shocked Ethan the most. It took a lot for Cal to miss his after-work drink and this only showed how deeply Matt's words had hurt him.

Cal stood up slowly and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He looked completely drained. "See you at home."

Ethan's stunned vocal cords finally came to life. "I'll go with you. You shouldn't be driving if you're not well."

"No." Cal's voice was strained. "Stay here. Please." He turned and left the pub. A few people asked where he was going, but Cal, his head down, made no answer.

Ethan turned back to the bar and stared unseeingly in front of him. He didn't know what to do. He had no doubt that Cal felt terrible - though he suspected the torture was mental rather than physical - and all Ethan's instincts were telling him that Cal needed him. On the other hand, Cal had made it quite clear he wanted to be alone.

"Ethan? ETHAN!" A hand was waving in front of Ethan's face.

"Sorry, Lofty." Ethan turned to him and did his best to smile. "Did you say something?"

"Yeah, I was asking what's up with Cal," said Lofty. He looked worried. "He's not upset about that calendar thing, is he? I'd never have done it if I thought it would upset him."

"No, it's not that," said Ethan. "He's not feeling well. That's all."

"Are you sure?" said Lofty anxiously. "It seemed like a laugh at a time, but he didn't look that happy and Lily said he could sue us for sexual harassment."

Ethan tried to look reassuring. "Please don't worry, Lofty. I really don't think he minded about that. If he has been a bit off, it's probably because he's ill."

"Yeah, probably," said Lofty, looking marginally happier. "Sometimes you do act a bit funny when you're coming down with something. I saw Cal coming out of Matt's room earlier and he looked like he was going to cry, which is understandable when you think how young Matt is, but not what you'd expect from Cal."

Ethan finished the rest of his drink in one gulp. It wasn't a good idea and the liquid burned the back of his throat; Lofty had to pat him on the back.

"Are you okay, Ethan?" Lofty looked even more worried now. "We've only been here ten minutes and you've choked on your drink and Cal's gone home ill… maybe I'll go back to work. It's quieter there."

Ethan did his best to laugh. "I'm fine, Lofty. I just drank it a bit fast. I don't want you to worry, but I think I'll go home too and see if Cal needs anything. He must be feeling terrible if he doesn't fancy an evening at the pub."

* * *

Ethan stood outside Cal's bedroom door, wondering what to do. He didn't want to barge in if Cal wanted to be on his own, but he knew Cal needed some comfort; some reassurance. If he was upset enough to start talking about his insecurities in the middle of the pub with half their colleagues present, then he really needed Ethan's help. But all Ethan had done was make a joke that had obviously hurt his feelings and then stare at him like he was some sort of freak.

Ethan rested his forehead against the door as guilt consumed him. Cal's behaviour had startled him, but Ethan should have at least tried to comfort him with a word or two. It wasn't the time or the place for an in-depth chat, but Ethan could have told him he wasn't a waste of space or suggested they leave early so they could talk about it. There were so many things he could have said.

Perhaps the worst thing about it was that Ethan had had no idea these things bothered Cal. He'd encouraged Cal to find his own home on numerous occasions, but Cal seemed determined to stay with Ethan and eventually Ethan had stopped trying to get rid of him because Cal always got himself into so much trouble when Ethan made him leave. It wouldn't have surprised Ethan if Cal's plans to marry Taylor had involved all three of them living together.

Cal had also seemed perfectly happy socialising with their friends from work and although Ethan knew he was starting to develop more of an interest in long-term relationships rather than one-night stands, he hadn't realised Cal was doubting his chances of finding someone special. Ethan had been sure that as soon as Cal was properly over Taylor, he would have no trouble with finding someone else. It seemed to Ethan as though all Cal needed to do was to look at a girl to attract her attention. He'd certainly attracted Louise's attention today...

As for a career plan, Cal had never seen remotely interested. It had been a source of frustration for Ethan when his brother was clearly so intelligent and capable, but he'd learned to accept Cal for what he was (he was still a very good doctor, even if he wasn't reaching his full potential) and focus on his own future.

Ethan pressed his ear to Cal's door and listened, but he couldn't hear anything. Ethan realised he couldn't even be completely sure Cal was in the flat. His car was here, but he could easily have parked his car and gone off for a walk.

Ethan doubted it though. Cal would only have left the pub if he'd really wanted to be alone.

But it was when he wanted to be alone that Cal needed someone most.


	2. Chapter 2

**ETWentHome** , thank you for the review. I'm really relieved you like it! I was worried as I've written so many stories about Ethan comforting Cal and I wanted to make it different, but I didn't know how.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm sorry for making you tearful, but I know what it's like! I'm always crying over this site! Thank you so much for your review and I'm really so happy you like the way I write their relationship.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. It's a relief (in a way) that you found it difficult too. Maybe it's the subject matter that's the problem and not me! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

 _Thank you also to all the people who followed or favourite this story - I really do appreciate it. I hope you like Chapter 2 and that it's not too similar to my other stories. I'll try to post Chapter 3 tomorrow before tomorrow's episode._

* * *

Ethan opened the door a little further. He was almost afraid of what he might find, though he didn't know why. He released a breath he didn't know he was holding when he saw Cal. He was standing with his back to Ethan, looking out of the window. His shoulders looked tense and they rose and fell with each shallow breath. Ethan hesitated for a moment, unsure whether his presence would be welcomed, but when he heard Cal sniff, he came out of his trance and went quickly over to his brother, picking his way carefully across the floor. As usual, it was littered with all sorts of rubbish, but for once Ethan didn't mention it.

Cal started, but didn't turn around. Ethan put his hand on Cal's back and stood beside him. Ethan still had no idea what to say, but he wanted Cal to know what Ethan had completely failed to make clear in the pub: that he was there for Cal and he wanted to help.

Cal continued to look up at the stars, but his eyes were swimming with tears and Ethan doubted he could see anything. He gently massaged Cal's back and knew he hadn't done completely the wrong thing when Cal didn't shake him off or tell him to go away.

Neither of them spoke, but Ethan felt as though words were unnecessary. He turned away from his brother and looked out of the window too. It wasn't a great view in the daytime: it was all grey, ugly buildings and not much else, but in the dark, they could see hundreds of lights, both from streetlamps and lit windows, and then, up in the sky, were millions of sparkling, twinkling stars. Ethan couldn't see any falling stars and didn't believe in their magical qualities in any case, but he still wished that Cal could be happy. Just in case it worked.

Cal sniffed and wiped a hand across each eye. Ethan felt close to tears himself and he longed to put his arms around Cal and hold him properly, but something told him that keeping his hand on Cal's back was enough. Cal closed his eyes, gave a little sigh and sniffed again.

Ethan rubbed Cal's back. "Shall I make some tea?" he said, very softly, his mouth close to Cal's ear. Speaking felt almost wrong after standing in silence for so long.

Cal nodded. His steps were slow as he left the bedroom and Ethan adjusted his pace to his, keeping his hand on Cal's back. Cal still didn't speak. There were no further signs of tears, but Ethan could tell from the set of Cal's jaw and the emotion in his eyes that he was still hurting.

They reached the sofa and Cal sat down. Ethan wanted to sit beside him but decided he'd better go and make the tea. He put his hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezed it gently before going to the kitchen. When he returned to Cal, his brother didn't seem to have moved. Ethan put the tea down then sat beside Cal. Cal was breathing slowly and deeply, though his breath occasionally caught.

Ethan's own eyes were stinging by then: partly in sympathy and partly because he couldn't help feeling it was partly his fault. Cal had been upset already, but it was Ethan's reaction that had made him leave the pub.

He swallowed hard and tried to speak. "Cal…" Ethan had to stop to clear his throat. "Cal, it's just one person's opinion. He doesn't know you. He can't possibly know what you're like. He's very good at putting a brave face on it, but he's bound to be emotional and irrational sometimes. You just happened to be in the firing line today. But that doesn't mean what he said is true. He doesn't know you at all. He's in no position to judge you."

"But he is right," said Cal hopelessly. He lifted his head and Ethan felt pain searing through his body as he saw the tears in Cal's eyes again.

"No, of course he's not right," said Ethan. "You're an incredible doctor and you prove that every day. Including today. You did so much for him, Cal. Even though he hurt you. I know it can't have been easy for you, helping another cancer patient. Getting involved with another charity must have been difficult too." Ethan put his hand on Cal's arm. "But you did it. Lily told me you'd asked her to give Matt the bad news and I really wished I'd been there so we could have done it together. Then Lily told me you had done it by yourself. I'm sure I couldn't have done that." Ethan paused and smiled. "I felt so proud of you."

For a moment, there was a spark of hope in Cal's eyes as he tried desperately to believe what Ethan was saying, but then it was gone. "But I am a waste of space, Ethan. It's true what I said in the pub. I felt so awful and I just wanted to talk to someone, but even though I was surrounded by people I thought were my friends, I couldn't talk to them. There was only you and you only put up with me because you know it's what Mum would have wanted."

"Cal…" Ethan's throat felt tight, but he knew he had to get the words out. "That's not true. Of course it's not true."

"But I tried to talk to you and you… you just looked at me." Cal looked at Ethan, not troubling to hide the pain in his eyes.

Ethan felt almost overpowered by guilt. "Cal, I'm really sorry." His voice wavered but he kept going. "I don't agree with what Matt said at all. I was just completely in shock. I was expecting you to be a bit upset because of everything you had to deal with, but you seemed really devastated. I just didn't know what to say." Ethan still didn't dare hug him, but he squeezed Cal's arm. "I'm so sorry I made you feel worse. I let you go off on your own because you asked me to, but I just kept thinking about what you said and how you looked and I just had to come after you." He saw Cal's expression change and gripped his arm more tightly. "Not out of any sense of obligation because you're my brother. Because you're Caleb and I care about you."


	3. Chapter 3

**ETWentHome** , thank you, I'm really happy you enjoyed it! I hope Cal can believe Ethan's words too. And I hope Ethan will actually manage to say some words in tonight's episode!

 **Tanith Panic** , you asked for more, you get more! I really hope you like it. Thank you so much for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I'm sure he has too. I'd definitely forgive him after that. Either that or I'd forget there was anything to forgive him for. Thank you for the review!

 **Becs2202** , I was annoyed too - but it was so near the end of the episode, it probably worked better for Ethan to say nothing than to try to resolve everything in a couple of sentences. I hope they'll talk tonight! Thank you for the review.

 _Sorry this is so long - I would make this into two chapters, but I wanted to get it all finished and posted before tonight's episode._

* * *

Cal stared at Ethan as though he could hardly believe what he was hearing. Then his eyes filled with tears again. Ethan put his arm around him and tried to keep his own emotions at bay. If he'd ever truly believed he hated Cal, the physical ache inside him now would have proved him wrong.

A few minutes passed. Cal's breathing gradually slowed. He blinked his tears away, but Ethan knew he was barely in control. He held him for a moment longer. "Would you like your tea now?"

Cal nodded. They were both silent as they drank. Ethan kept an eye on Cal and was relieved to note he seemed calmer, but he was only too aware that the effects of Matt's words hadn't left him. Perhaps they never would, but Ethan hoped Cal knew he didn't have to deal with it on his own.

"It is true what I said though," said Cal when they'd finished their tea.

"Of course it's not!" said Ethan, in full comforting mode now.

"You don't even know what I'm talking about yet," said Cal with a faint smile. "I mean I don't have a career plan, a girlfriend, a social life outside work or my own home. You can't say that's not true."

Ethan couldn't, but he still tried to comfort Cal. "I don't have all those things. I don't suppose I'll ever have a girlfriend and the only reason I have any kind of social life at all is because you keep dragging me to the pub."

"But you don't want a girlfriend or a social life," said Cal. "I do. I want someone to share my life with. Not just my bed for one night. My whole life. Forever."

Ethan hesitated. He actually felt quite lonely at times, but they weren't talking about Ethan now. "I'd like to try to help, Cal. I do have a couple of ideas. But this is a bit outside my field of expertise. I've hardly had any girlfriends and I've never had a one-night stand. I think I might have been offered one once or twice, but I'm not completely sure. I might have misinterpreted what they were saying."

Cal gave a shaky laugh. "Just do your best, Nibbles. You can't do any worse than me."

Ethan set his shoulders. "Okay. I'm sure you'll find a girlfriend once you're ready to start looking. You just need to look in different places. You're not going to find anything long-term by hanging round bars, picking up girls." Ethan began to warm to his theme. "I know what you should do. Think of a few things you're interested in and then get involved with something like that outside work. Then maybe you'll find a girlfriend _and_ some new friends."

Cal shook his head, but he was close to smiling. "I can't believe _you're_ telling _me_ how to meet girls and get a social life!"

"Oh, it's probably not very good advice," said Ethan, deflated, but then Cal gave him a proper smile.

"No, it's good advice, Nibbles. It really is. I should listen to it and so should you. Seriously. Thank you."

Ethan gave a cautious "you're welcome" and Cal continued gloomily:

"I don't know how I'm going to get my own home though. Too many loan repayments."

"I don't think there's much point in buying a home yet," said Ethan. "The thing about houses and even flats is that they either tend to be too big for one person or too small for anyone to move in and share it with you. And if you do buy somewhere big enough for two and then find someone you want to share it with, they might not like it. You don't want to spend lots of money on getting your home how you want it and end up having to tear it all down because your girlfriend thinks purple doesn't go with orange."

Cal's laugh was a lot more convincing this time. "If a girl doesn't think purple goes with orange, she wouldn't be the girl of my dreams."

Ethan smiled. As Cal didn't like purple or orange as far as Ethan was aware, that had to be a joke. "I think you should stay here with me till you find someone you want to share a home with and then choose somewhere together," said Ethan. Wistfully, he added: "I've never done it, of course, and I probably never will, but it does sound fun. Choosing a home with someone; moving in and then decorating it together; making it completely yours and hers."

He was half-expecting Cal to reject that idea on the grounds that Ethan had thought of it, but Cal was nodding. "Yeah, that's a good point actually, Nibbles. And if we choose it together, she could pay for half of it!"

Ethan smiled, knowing that comment wasn't completely serious either, but a moment later, Cal was looking sad again. "Cal? What is it?"

Cal sighed. "I still don't have a career plan."

"Finally: something I know a little bit about!" said Ethan, and was rewarded with another smile from Cal. "I actually don't think your career's going badly at all. You're progressing. You're learning new things and gaining new experiences all the time. When you're feeling better, we can look at where you are and set targets, if you like. But even though it's good to have a career plan and look ahead, the most important thing – the most important thing by far - is what's happening _now_. It's the current patient that matters, not the next one and certainly not the ones five or ten years in the future."

Cal looked as though that hadn't really occurred to him. "I suppose that is the most important thing. The patient's future is really much more important than mine." Then the brightness that had momentarily filled his eyes faded. "But it is a bit pathetic that I'm still a registrar at my age."

"Hey, don't knock being a registrar!" said Ethan, and had a quick look at Cal to make sure he hadn't hurt his feelings. "You're not pathetic, Cal. Not at all. You're not all that much older than I am and it's been easier for me. I had a lot more support than you. And when we started here, you were a locum and I had a permanent contract. So they probably did focus more on me. They didn't know then how impossible it would be to get rid of you." He smiled as Cal turned uncertainly to face him. "Believe me, Cal. They haven't kept you on for my sake! The reason you're still here is because you're a good doctor. A very good doctor. I might be a bit further ahead of you in some things, but in other ways, I'll never catch you up."

Cal shook his head. "You don't have to try to make me feel better, Ethan."

Ethan hesitated, unsure how to put it. "I do want to make you feel better, but I'm telling the truth as well. You're a good doctor in terms of the medical side, but it's your compassion I really admire. I hope I feel compassion for my patients. I'm sure I do. But I can't show it like you do. You care so much, and not just about the things that you've been asked to treat. You realised there was something else wrong with Matt and you found out what it was. Not just by testing everything methodically like I would. You were intelligent enough to be able to work it out and you cared enough to try. But it wasn't even just that. You saw that the charity was important to Matt and you did everything you could to help him, even though he'd really hurt you. I'm not saying you're perfect because you're not. There are times when you aren't much of a brother and you can be a really annoying flatmate. But you're a very good doctor and a very good man. And I'm proud of you, Cal."

Cal looked a bit confused. He looked at Ethan as though he could hardly believe what his brother was saying.

"I mean it," said Ethan. "I wouldn't have wasted my breath if I didn't. I know it isn't enough; I know I can't just tell you you're great and expect you to believe it. I know that even if I can make you believe it today, it doesn't mean you'll still believe it tomorrow. I only wish it were that easy. But I'm here, Cal. Anytime you need me."

Again, Cal said nothing, but he reached for Ethan's hand and gripped it tightly. "I don't want to be a waste of space anymore, Ethan."

"Cal, you're not a waste of space." Ethan spoke calmly and firmly. "And I think I'd know better than someone who only met you today."

Cal continued as though Ethan hadn't spoken. "I don't want to waste my future. Because I'm lucky to have one. Some people don't. A lot of people won't live as long as I have."

"And most people will never achieve in a whole lifetime what you've achieved so far," said Ethan. "I'm not saying you're perfect, but you've helped so many people. Including me."

"But I could still do more," said Cal. "And if I could do more, doesn't that mean I'm wasting my life?"

"You can't do everything," said Ethan. "No-one can do everything they're capable of. There aren't enough hours in the day."

"But I could do more," said Cal. He looked determinedly at Ethan. "So I'm going to do more. I'm not sure what or how or any of that. I'll need to think about it. But I will do more."

Ethan couldn't help feeling a few doubts. Cal had never stuck at anything except medical school. But perhaps that was because no-one had really supported him before. "I know you will, Cal. And if you need any help, I've been making career plans since I was five."

Cal smiled reminiscently. "Was that the one that went: ' _Be doctor. Save peeples lives. Be hansom like Caleb_ '? Well, congratulations, Nibbles. You've achieved two out of three already."

They both laughed. For once, Ethan was quite pleased to be insulted. It showed Cal was feeling better and that was what he wanted, more than anything.

"What would you like _your_ career plan to be?" asked Ethan.

"Let's see." Cal thought for a moment. " _'_ _Be better doctor. Make peeples lives better. Be strong and grown-up like Ethan_ '. How's that?"

Ethan was surprised by a rush of genuine affection. "Honestly, I think you can aim a bit higher than that. But it sounds like an excellent place to start."

Ethan knew it would take time. Whatever Cal decided he wanted to do, it wouldn't be easy and there would be many problems on the way. He knew Cal would annoy him and he would annoy Cal and there would be times when both of them wished they'd never started this.

But he didn't say any of that. For now, all that mattered was that Cal wanted to try. His self-esteem had taken another bashing and his recovery would take time, but he wasn't giving up on himself, any more than he would give up on one of his patients.

"Inspirational chap," Ethan said for the second time that evening.

Cal looked far from pleased. "Yes, all right. He is. And perceptive."

"I wasn't talking about Matt," said Ethan. "I meant you."


End file.
